post from 11-1-09

So, decided to type this up at home, then post it tomorrow night when I’m babysitting the niece and nephew.  So this was actually written 11-1-09.  And you know what?  I just realized I can connect to an open wifi in my neighborhood…so let’s see if, when I can actually finish typing this up, if the connection is strong enough to pull up wordpress so I can post it.  Ugh…the net is really sucky.  So.  I think it’s gonna be posted tomorrow.

 

Dear god it’s November… I can’t believe it’s already November.  I guess I’m sorta glad it is, ‘cuz that means more is in the past.  More time has gone by, which means I’ve gotten farther along in this game called life.

 

I’m watching Criminal Minds.  Love this show! I’m so fucking hooked on it.  I’m considering getting cable just so I can get season 5 as it comes out lol.

 

I’ve realized over the last 3 years that there are 3 stages in a major life change.  For me, I came out of my divorce and started realizing that who I was wasn’t who I was…if that makes sense.  I was learning that I had so many needs that weren’t being met, and that I also had interests and wants that weren’t being fulfilled.  While the wants are not as important, simply learning this was a total “holy fucking shit” moment.

 

For me, right around the time when my ex and I decided to start seeing other people, I joined an MMORPG to meet new people.  Get out of my box, ya know.  During that time, I did in fact meet someone, who ended up being my first Owner.  Through him and the game I learned about my submissive nature.

 

I learned why I have the needs I do.  Why I need to listen and be good.  Why I need a man who is able to make the decisions.
Really, in the end that was kind of an exciting discovery for me.  It was nice to finally figure out the why’s.  I’m a bit of a why freak.  I have a need-to-know complex.  So having that knowledge has helped me.  A lot.  And I have learned a lot more about me and my needs since then.

 

As well as my interests.  The biggest … “issue” I’ve been having lately has been trying to like… “BE” me.  Ya know?  Have who I am expressed in how I speak, how I dress how I look, how I live, my interior decorating.  Things of that nature.

 

I’m starting to get that though! Starting to figure out exactly how to express myself, my personality.  I’m cleaning out a lot of my old stuff.  Things that no longer pertain to who I am, where I’m going in life.  I’m finally getting into a routine at home as well, cleaning, housekeeping and such.  I’ve gotten rid of about 3 bags of garbage, 3 boxes of books and 1 box of just misc stuff.  And that was just this weekend.  Got rid of 3 other boxes of stuff a couple weeks ago as well.

 

I still have several more storage boxes to go through.  4 of them, plus a box of books and a box of a few random things plus my stuffed animals.  I’m debating about my plates, bowls, etc.  I have some new stuff, Halloween stuff that I really like.  I love fun monsters and stuff and actually got new plates and bowls that match some pillow cases I have now LOL but I really prefer those to my other ones, as nice as they really are.  I’m considering getting some bubble wrap and storing them downstairs.  I’ll be damned if I get rid of them.

 

((so apparently i didn’t finish writing this LOL will write more later))